Grasping at Straws

I have been trying to find a solution that’s not applicable to the question. I was debating changing my major.

Again.

But I realized my problem had nothing to do with my major. My problem was my lack of freedom; emotional and physical. Every change I make is me trying to reclaim myself.

The cause you ask?

Daddy issues.

I need to be independent and I will do anything to get there.

Californication

While my summer has proven to be shockingly eventful, I have found time to almost complete the entire series that is Californication.
All this insanely addictive show has done for me is make me want, need, to write. I find solace in words somehow but at the same time I feel that reading is ultimately a way to escape real life and in that respect it is not something I want to indulge myself in. Unless, of course, I choose to read as a way to pass time on a train. Other than that situation, it appears to be nothing more than a waste.
I like to think this is why I sound better in song lyrics. Short. Sweet. Inspiring. And it gets you to move and the majority of the time it isn’t an all-consuming experience. People use music as background inspiration. They don’t touch and flip pages, they don’t watch the music note from note on a page. The don’t smell the book (or perhaps the nook).
And yet what few books I have run away to were emotionally draining in the best possible ways.
I’m not sure if this inner conflict will ever resolve itself. It’s just that image I have of that English teacher trying to preach to all the English majors and nonmajors of how amazing books and writing are. All because they let you live time and time again.
It pissed me off so much that I changed my major. Again.
You’re not living in books, you’re escaping. At the very most they are inspiring you to stop fucking reading books and find your own story worth telling.
Well shit.
I think I’ve found my answer and alas, I have another question…
Is it wrong/illogical to greatly enjoy writing but for the most part hate reading?
I’ve always heard writers need to read read read. No commas. No breaths.
But maybe they’ve got it wrong.
Or maybe I am insane and an increasingly terrible writer.

Perhaps I can remind myself of all the high school teachers who were frustrated with me and my intelligence and my lack of participation.
I was called a sponge from time to time. As I never did anything but listen and absorb.

But in my defense, if you saw what some of those participants said, it was just frustrating.

As someone who has always wanted to be a teacher, for as long as I can remember, I would be bored in class and play out various scenarios in my head.
These scenarios were of two main varieties:
First, me predicting a student’s question due to the teacher’s lack of clarity, lack of pronunciation, lack of specifics, or due to the student fiddling with their pen or sneezing, or most likely- just having terrible listening skills.
Second, were class discussions. I wasn’t too good at predicting the teacher’s initial question, but from there I could predict what someone, not a specific student as I really didn’t care, would respond with. Then I would see a counter-argument by another student. Then I could hear the first student’s response to him/her. Then I could hear the teacher intervene and say they both make good points, or whatever.

I’m not saying I was bored because I was some kind of literary genius, I’m saying I was bored because I had spent most of my days in a classroom understanding both the student’s and teacher’s perspectives and was so bored with the dynamic and lack of any real development.

Most of my English classes were so frustrating because I didn’t care about allegories or understanding what some song lyrics by Modest Mouse were about.

I’m not too great at getting the deeper meaning of certain kinds of writing.
I suck at Bible references as I have never read more than a tiny bit of it. The bits I have read were for school. I didn’t know the story of Adam and Eve until I was 14.

I guess more than anything, I feel like some literary devices need to be left in a quiet slumber. Left to leave us in a unclear awe as we focus on the key elements and the big picture of books and shows like Californication. Those little bits are great and maybe some people become great writers by dissecting art, but it just sounds scientific and all too insignificant to any author whose work was being broken down and exposed in a half-hazard manner.

All I know is Californication is a stunning show and inspires me.

I doubt there’s much else I really need to extract from my emotions towards it.

Neca shows off new Mogwai @ San Diego Comic Con 2014

Originally posted on Gremlins Online!:

mogwai1

NECA has an incredible booth at SDCC ’14, and while Gremlins Online isn’t there, our friends at figures.com have their hands full getting the poor souls of the internet all the pictures they can handle.
Check out their site for some exciting new Mogwai based on the early prototypes. Doesn’t look like any Gremlins Series 3, but there are still hundreds of incredible shots of  many many more figures, such as the long-awaited Ripley figures from both Alien and Aliens! (Maybe we will get a Vriess figure someday…one can dream….)

There are more photos of the prototype mogwai on their site, so head on over and take a peek. 

http://www.figures.com/gallery/showgallery.php?cat=15852

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Reasons why My Dad Sucks

I’m not trying to be an asshole, it’s just I need motivation to move out.

With that in mind, let us begin:

1. He gets furious at the amount of toilet paper we (the girls of my family) use!!! Like WHAT THE FUCK?!

2. He gets mad if you trip and make only a high pitched noise. If it is a loud ass grunt you’re ok. But NOT any growling “cause it scares him”. 

3. He likes to starve us and not buy food. In the last month I have spent 300 on food. We sometimes have bread. He doesn’t like to buy soy milk even though my stomach can no longer really handle milk. 

4. He will let us run out of soda. Soda is my only caffeine source. I NEED caffeine. I’ve tried to stop but it is so hard when it’s cheap and makes the rice you eat 10x a week taste like more than just white rice.

5. He lied about our new house. My sisters and mom can’t have tv’s in their room because it would cost too much to hook up.

6. He referred to my brother as his step-son to his brother on the phone. I wanted to murder him.

7. He can’t remember my major or what I want to do.

8. He lied for a year about buying me a car and I could have saved up and bought one already. I didn’t do this because it could/would have pissed him off.

9. He own’t trust my mom with a credit card ever since she bought my sister and I lunch one time 8 or 9 years ago.

10. We must keep our cats in our rooms at night so he doesn’t get woken up. Needless to say they scratch at the door and cry so much that none of us are getting enough sleep.

11. He is cheap about every fucking thing.

12. He doesn’t listen

13. He is almost always condescending.

14. He interrupts everyone

15. He asks what you said when he enters a room even when the conversation was not directed towards him in any way.

16. He gets mad if you’re in anywhere he wants to be EVEN IF YOU WERE THERE FIRST

17. He gets mad if you eat dinner before him. Basically we HAVE to wait for him to eat before we do.

18. If you eat anything from 4pm to 6pm he will say “well aren’t you eating dinner?” or “didn’t you eat lunch?” Coming from an obese man here!

19. Inconsistent parenting throughout my life

20. It’s a daily effort not to fucking hate him.

21. My mother inherited a house from her friend years and years ago. He told her not to pay some sort of fee and I was like 4 or 5 and we got EVICTED.

22. He has evaded taxes before many many years in a row.

23. Because of this I couldn’t get the fafsa for YEARS

24. I can’t apply for medical *obamacare* because i would need his Drivers license as i am under 25.

25. He told my sisters they could move in and has been a complete asshole ever since/

26. He has screamed at me when a computer stops working. He then got mad when I cried. He then got mad when my mom got mad at him. Then he said I was spoiled. And for my mom to let him raise his daughter.

27. He never sees his now 30 something year old son. And hasn’t since he was 12. I can’t understand that. 

28. He got mad when I wanted to see a psychologist. I was diagnosed bipolar. After i decided to stop seeing my psychiatrist, my parents both decided I wasn’t bipolar. So three years later when I wanted to find a way to see a psychologist he got mad. AGAIN. I still haven’t seen one since.

29. HE IS SO FULL OF SHIT WHY AM I STILL LIVING HERE? I’D rather have crippling arthritis (cause i wouldn’t afford rent and my doctor bills) and living in a fucking alleyway.

I Desperately

I desperately want to use this blog as a place to write fictional stories or any stories for that matter, but every time I think to enter into this blog world that is not just tumblr, I don’t seem to have a creative bone left in me. I guess this blog is more of a diary on when I write and how I write and the research I do for stuff. It is also a place for me to put small things I have written just so they have a home.

I guess it is just a mess.

But I digress…

I desperately need a new project, or to pick up where I left off on Forgive Me City. I feel like I’ve changed too much to complete it. I need to write. At least it sure seems like it. I do not think the same way as everyone else. I absorb things differently. I feel like I can imagine people who need a person like me to write things down. I feel like I’ve been looking for someone to see things the way I do. I can’t imagine that there aren’t people out there like me. The thing is, people like me never finish things. People like me become someone else in the process of trying. I think this because it feels as if I am. And I don’t know if that’s the procrastination, now five years strong, or if it’s the truth.

That’s the real dilemma.

I think I may try and crash an English class this semester.

Another Update After Another Gap!

 

Lots of boring things have happened and here I am still up at 1am alone on the internet. I am happy to say I have avoided refriending my friends from January. I am all alone and much better off, perhaps with the exception of excessive nights spent on netflix. The sum is better than the parts… or whatever people say. I am still just as confused and crazy as always. I get to start college for the third time! I have transfer orientation on monday and THAT WILL BE A GREAT SUCCESS OF COURSE. I will get amazing classes and not fall asleep and maybe not sweat in the Sacramento heat.

Is sarcastic positive thinking a way in which to at least encourage future positive thinking if not a form of positive thinking itself?

I can only hope.

Night!

-Apey

 

I really haven’t got a thing to say

But I try and put something here whenever I think of this blog. OH I KNOW!

I got accepted to CSULB.

Which is insane. I barely stood a chance at getting in, yet here I am thinking of how impossible it will be.

Ergh.

I am trying so hard, hopefully something pays off. Sending myself good vibes for the future!

March 14th 2013

There’s this little paragraph I wrote last March. I just like it and I’m just going to leave it here.

I’m sitting here right now and things are nice. It’s weird when things turn terrible and yet there’s the sun barely going down and its rays are hitting the room in the afternoon glow that I’ve always loved and I’m listening to music and I just feel okay. It’s a weird feeling because I don’t logically believe I have much of a reason to feel that way. I enjoy the optimism while it lasts, however, I apologize to my future self who will have to deal with the inevitable downward slope that will ensue in an indeterminate amount of time. “I’m so nostalgic for phases of my life often before they even get a chance to pass.”

“The LRC will be closing in thirty minutes.”

 

Some Advice I’m Listing

Advice You Never Knew You Needed

1. Keep a list somewhere of things people can buy you as presents. Don’t let anyone know you have it. But you’ll find it is more helpful than most other lists you make.

2. Learn the difference between you’re and your, but don’t correct those who don’t, unless they ask for your help proofreading.

3. Always find one super famous actor, musician, movie, and book that are super popular that you can love. It’ll be easier to have something to mention when trying to talk to someone you’ve just met.

4. Avoid revenge. It doesn’t look cute and most people don’t learn from it. The only exception is mild revenge that has a better chance of working and helping everyone involved. Like a pesky in-law that there’s zero chance of having them go. Consult as many people as possible before ever seeking revenge. Revenge is never good. Don’t try to rationalize it. So many people have done terrible things with good intentions. If you can live with it and it seems worth doing just do it already.

5. Don’t have regrets. Enjoy where your life is in this moment. Regrets are the past. You should learn from it and get the fuck out of there. Don’t waste energy on the past or future. You are now and that’s plenty for you.

6. Love like a fool and break like glass. Don’t let heartache make you anything you aren’t. You are foolish and trusting and the world needs people like you. Just keep going.

7. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Stop acting like it is.

8. Start every morning you can by asking what you can do better today. It may sound self-absorbed but the you will change the world around you more than you ever would have thought possible every day.

9. Don’t take a day off from #8. You’ll regret it. If you still choose to and you do regret it, please re-read #5.

10. You are allowed to cut people out of your life. Don’t feel bad for being hard on people who actually deserve it. Just make sure they really in fact deserve it.

11. Insult and be hard on people in the nicest most heart-felt way. They will feel even worse. And more importantly, you aren’t being an asshole.

12. People aren’t inherently good. Don’t believe that. However, act like they are, but know better.

13. Question stuff everyone does, especially yourself, even if you don’t feel you have the time.

14. Take risks. It’s too big of a risk not too, after all.

Early Spring Cleaning

I wish I didn’t feel like this.

I’ve just cutoff essentially all of my friends. For good. And I kind of feel like explaining why here so I don’t end up talking to them.

They wouldn’t benefit from me talking to them. I really know they wouldn’t.

It’s hard keeping friends from high school to your early 20’s.

I had to this. It wasn’t really their fault. I feel, without sounding too much like a big asshole, like I’ve changed too much to stay friends with them.

After all these years, the things they always did irritate me to no end. Their bitchy comments. The fact that none of them seem to know what my major is half the time or what school I’m even in. It’s just a big combination of things. And giving them any explanation will just sound like an excuse to them and they’ll think I’ve always secretly hated them. Maybe I should break it down:

1. Terrible tippers and have stiffed waitresses. The first time this happened I was very angry. I had every intention after the entire evening was over to never speak to them again.

This was a post I made on my tumblr about my friends 3 years ago. YEP. Three years.

Great.

My friends are going to try and come over to my house tomorrow to “check on me”

Just because I don’t want to be friends with you guys doesn’t automatically mean I must be suicidal or something.

I’ve outgrown them. I’ve been trying so hard to like them, to stil want to talk to them.

I have flaws, but their’s (is that “their”correct???) I just can’t handle anymore.

1. They always run late- One of them was 2 hours late on my Birthday.

2. We cannot all hangout without someone having some sort of fight.

3. If any of them want to do anything and I don’t agree to come, then 80% of the time they cancel plans on each other.

4. They all talk shit about each other- some of them have known each other since the 3rd grade, I always thought they were close to each other. Later I learned I was so wrong.

5. They don’t understand how to correctly tip waitresses

6. Whenever they come over they make a mess.

7. I’ve helped a few of them with school work back in highschool and even then they didn’t listen to me

8. They all have horrible relationships with their parents and they all LOVE my mother. (She is very awesome) But the fact that they have such a bad relationship with them gives a good hint into what kind of people they are.

9. They lie to each other. They always want me to get in the middle in order to ask so and so whether or not they said this or that.

That being said, they are all nice people. They aren’t bitches. Most of the time they don’t judge people.

Most of all they were there for me in highschool where I probably would have been friendless without them

But I shouldn’t be friends with them just so I am not alone, or just out of a feeling of owing them.

That’s not friendship.

I’m starting to wonder if they know what friendship is.

Finally, I’ve tried to tell them most of these things that irritate me, and for years these things didn’t bother me, but now,

I just feel like I’m putting more effort into it then they are.

After they threatened to come to my house after the “tipping incident” I just gave up and emailed them:

Y’all calm down.
I’m fucking retarted.
That’s all ya need to know.
YEP.
Friend me back on facebook and tell Stephanie to, too.
Lastly, sorry.
<3
-April
It’s my own fault for changing. On one hand, I was used to every stupid thing they did, but on the other I felt like I deserved better and that they were capable of being so much better. I was waiting for them to change and I wish they could understand how unfair that is to both “sides”.
Like I keep writing, it’s nothing in particular they have done.
I have to mention I wouldn’t be avoiding all of them if they all weren’t one group of friends. One of them, well two, haven’t irritated me in the slightest. But I am not making them deal with my bullshit times two. They can’t be friends with both me and them *grammar, you can fuck off*.
They’d be put in the middle. They’d have extra stress, much more than just losing me as a friend. I would have happily attempted explaining this to all of them if my last leave didn’t backfire so bad. It was after that ridiculous night out, years ago, where I was evidently pissed off, so why the fuck did they need more explanation? AGH.
Maybe it wasn’t as evident as I thought. I didn’t want to be mad at them. I couldn’t decide adequately what I wanted to do. Ya know? I’m naming names. No one will see this. And idgaf.
Eunice: I don’t want to ever ever ever ever, be friends with you. Just fuck off. You are too selfish. I am scared for you because I don’t know if you’ll ever get over your oh so obvious insecurities that cause you to act like you’re the greatest person to exist and a gift to the world. I don’t know who fucked you over so bad to be jealous of everyone and everything all the while not caring even the slightest of anyone else. I wanted to believe there was good in you. But you are drowning in your own self-pity. Best of luck but stay away from me. I can’t lift someone up who is bringing me down. I am more important to me than you.
Stephanie: Stop comparing yourself to everyone. Whoever taught you to do that or whoever made you think that was okay needs to be brutally murdered. Even if it’s only a part of yourself. I can’t say much else accept a half-hearted “sorry”. I just can’t rationalize the things you do. It’s not my job to judge, but I never thought I’d let any friend of mine struggle so much and have no way of helping them. I can’t handle it. You’re better than that. You know what’s right and what’s wrong and I know you pick the wrong thing on purpose more often than not. Honestly, I just got tired of your back-handed bitchiness. You remind me of my dad. It didn’t always bother me, so for that change in myself, I am sorry. But I am happy to have changed.
Cindy: You’re too judgmental. This is coming from me, as I write an essay judging all of you. And I’m still saying that. You’re better than that too. You know it. I even kind of think you’re trying to improve. Good luck.
Diana: I can’t get in your head. You’re too emotional for me to keep you in my life while you are still in theirs. It’s stress you don’t need. I don’t even want to put that you can do anything… you won’t ever believe me. That’s all I can figure. I don’t know you well enough at all. Try harder. At everything. I don’t care if you have a few mental break downs, most people do. Perhaps you are overdue for one and need to refresh.
Ali: You’ve got issues too. But I have no issue with you. I don’t want you in the middle of this. We haven’t been very close these past few years, so I guess that’s better. Have blind mother fucking faith in yourself, ok?