Other people suck.
Just a few miles and before you know it everyone you knew who didn’t share the same blood as you are just a big morass of shadow monsters.
It hurts so much to see your own background fading. It just makes me wonder where I or we went wrong. People grow apart, yada yada. But how am I the only one seeing it? Am I drifting away or is everyone drifting away from me?
And who the hell is closest to the shore?
Grrr. I don’t even care if I sound bitchy or even if I irritate myself with the way I write at the moment. Lately I have had the whole world against me. Notice how the word “felt” is not in that sentence. Despite all my irritation I still don’t expect things to go wrong. I still believe positive thinking is important. Whether or not it actually helps any is still debatable in my book, however. I’ve got plans Tuesday. That’s it. That’s the extent of my life. There’s this quote about how people should work in/do what makes them “alive”. And it has been making me crazy. The quote continues to say that the world needs more people who are “alive”. I know what that is for me but it’s just so far. These past few months I’ve had to keep picking myself up from this fucking disasters (in my world at least) and it’s like I’ve run out of fuel. I haven’t told my friend I quite my job still just so I’d have reasons to stay away from them. I’m so tired of my college major defining me. I’m tired of school. I have hardly any choices with these things yet I don’t want to accept the only things I can do. I am expecting a third option that I don’t have.
Maybe being me is some kind of disorder.
I know I sound dramatic but I have never felt so stuck before.
From time to time it just keeps thumping. So much sometimes that when it stops my heartbeat can only remind me of it. I used to associate this suffocating feeling with only good things, but now, but for a while that has changed. I keep thinking of how most journal or journal-esque ramblings are normally or typically or stereotypically about actual events in someone’s life. But I hardly get out of my own head. Maybe it’s the way I think that makes me atypical or just odd. I always seem to picture someone saying my thoughts as I process them, and yes logically (or scientifically) I understand imagining someone saying my thoughts as I think them isn’t exactly what happens. They can’t exactly at the same time it seems. It must be just a little bit after the thought. Doesn’t it? And no I am not a schizophrenic. There’s still just one me and all the different tones in my head are still coming from me. I’ve already lost my priority. Thankfully it has been a while since that thumping has been around but it seems close to me at the moment.
I’ve got my doubts about everything, and almost all of it is quite easy to deal with when I really think about it, but damn. Some things just aren’t made to make sense. And yet we try and make sense of them. And we label the crazy people crazy. When maybe they’re the only ones anywhere near figuring anything worth understanding out. Guess my thoughts aren’t even on the verge of, I was going to put originality but I know better. I guess I haven’t come up with anything that anyone can learn from yet. I haven’t found a way to help anyone through this yet and I guess that’s what is bothering me.
It’s things like that thumping that make me alienated. How can I console anyone if I can’t console myself? I take that question back. I meant how can I trust myself to console anyone if I can’t console myself? I guess to me my insecurity isn’t insecurity, it’s logic.
I am trying again to really blog on here. The MTV show “Awkward.” has inspired me to give it another go. If my life was a bit more active I would be more willing to update here. I guess I just don’t get inspired by my own life. So how am I supposed to write about it? Things are stagnant. I want change so badly but everything I do fails to get off the ground. I don’t want to use this blog just to complain, yet I doubt there’s a better time to really write out something like this. And it just works out this way.
As I continue to debate my words at the moment, I can’t help but wonder how others (such as Jenna’s blog on “Awkward.”) blog about their friends and these big things that always seem to happen. My life is just really stuck. So I read and watch T.V. I listen to music I first heard years ago as if at 21 I already need to be reminded of who I am.
I guess I will just keep trying, again.
It’s been almost seven months! I hardly recognize wordpress anymore! However, tonight, the same day as my last day of classes this semester, I really wanted to try and write. Didn’t matter what. I needed somewhere to do it that wouldn’t steal more space away form my computer. Hopefully, if everything goes as planned out in my head, I will post a lot more on here in order to have this diary-esque thing. Writing can and does relive stress for me, and I have really come to realize this after spending an entire semester without a writing class. There is no part of me that thinks I can actually write, even decently well, but I frankly do not give a fuck. I don’t live/do anything only for others. I can enjoy things I am very terrible at.
Anyway, I hope to update this with more random ramblings soon!
Well these thoughts, we feel them so strong
But why do we never have the strength to make them count.
Make them stick.
Well this nervous feeling.
It’s not something that we can real in.
Do you want to be real with me?
Kids our age are never fans of reality
Why can’t we just reel this in
Give me something, yes anything, to live for again.
Are you happy now, you know these thoughts now.
And it’s so real.
Everything I do causes me pain
How is this not insane?
This is so damn real.
Feelings that I dwell
Friends are overrated
I just hate this
This fucking feeling I can’t reel in.
Why can’t I keep it
Why is it never enough
How’d I get so desperate
I’m not used to this
It’s this nervous feeling I can never keep.
Can’t real it in.
Do you want to be real with me?
You’d be the greatest reality
Why can’t I just reel this in
Give me something, yes you, to live for again.
Please be enough, otherwise I give up.
1) But A Fleeting Illness by Say Anything
2) Too Cold To Hold by Fake Problems
3)Eloiseby Say Anything
Over inspired. He’s got you outnumbered. Pacing through those winding clocks. He finds out that time won’t stop. So he stops and sees this spark and never turns around again. And now he’s running. Finally silence ensues then there’s a wave of color.
Tampering with the smudging lines he’s got no one left to go to. We all let him march on, careful to see any missteps. We aid him to be courageous, we tell him times are changing. He clearly can’t see me, he’s not even blinking. Well what is he aiming for? He’s trudging his way away from all the gloom he knew. And yet there’s the end, his aim still steady, we see the water, we see the sunrise, we see the cliff. We see him getting closer to the edge. We fall quiet. No one’s longer excited. Before I take another breathe there’s nothing left. And there is no crash, there is no cry, just our dramatic laughs. At least he was determined is all I say. We require too much anyway.
I will add more later.
Perks of Being a Wallflower.