Well Fuck

I feel like there is something I am supposed to do. I can’t seem to get a job. I have reached a point where it takes me all of an hour to look through 7 job sites and not find anything I am qualified to do or have not already applied for.

It has gotten beyond frustrating.

I’m looking up my career horoscopes in the hope that it will trigger something in my brain to find a way around this or through this OR JUST TO HAVE MONEY.

It is a few days before my last semester and all I intend to do is read my books ahead of time in the hope that it makes it so I have less work to do in the future so I have more time to apply for jobs in the coming weeks.

I’ve never had this much trouble getting a job besides my first job ever. I’m so discouraged, which I could get through if I had SOMETHING to apply to. Just one a week? That would make me happy.
My job Search Sites:

  1. Indeed
  2. Craigslist
  3. Glassdoor
  4. Snagajob
  5. Career Connection (through my school)
  6. Simply Hired
  7. Linkup
  8. Monster
  9. Guess (aka new businesses I see that have opened up, stores that I’ve ever applied to etc.)

I guess I will enjoy my “guilty” free time for now as best I can.

Well Fuck.

100 Dollars a Day Project Day #2

 Goal: Have 7,000 by mid-December (Three months or so of expenses plus starting cash) I am moving to LA come January after graduation. Woot!

CURRENT DEBT: 4,129 + 7000 = 11,129

Current Employment: Unemployed and trying so hard to change that!

Day Two:

SELL EVERYTHING

When it comes down to it, maybe I don’t need to have my N64 games since I haven’t had a N64 in four years (my brother “lost” it).

So I sold them:

First I sold some at DKOldies

List if you’re interested : (Mario Party, Banjo Kazooie, Pokemon Stadium, Super Mario 64, and Resident Evil 2)

Then I sold some at The Old School Game Vault

List if you’re interested (Wrestlemania 2000, 1080 snowboarding *$1.08*, JetForce Gemini *1.05*, Zelda Ocarinia of Time gold *14.09*, a controller, and a memory card

 

The grand total is $126.00 but I will pay for shipping for one box. However, it will somehow be reimbursed and I’ll update this post with how that process goes.

 

Got any suggestions on  how to make $100 in a day? Please let me know
S
eriously I have no ideas for tomorrow…😥

FOLLOW MY PROJECT:

Twitter: @apeycatty

WordPresshttps://apriloutloud.wordpress.com/

Please Note:

This project aims to be applicable to everyone, however, since I just really need to do this myself, certain small amounts of money will come from weird sources like change my family gives me for doing errands, turning in my change like the first day, and other possibilities. Good luck!

100 Dollars a Day Project Day #1

Why 100 dollars?

Goals: Have 7,000 by mid-December (Three months or so of expenses plus starting cash)

I am moving to LA come January after graduation. Woot!

CURRENT DEBT: 4,129 + 7000 = 11,129

Current Employment: Unemployed

Day One:

Today I turned my coins into Coinstar, obviously, this is not me gaining 100 dollars but it is money I did not account for until this project. Most days this project aims to EARN money and not just “find” it.

So how much cash did I earn get from Coinstar?

$114.26 !!!!!!!

 

IMG_2686

My e-gift card

 

Now the interesting thing about this is, I chose to get an Amazon.com gift card. This saves me $12 in fees. So now I will order three Taco Bell gift cards and one Burger King gift card for when I buy fast food for my dad. He gives me cash, I use my card and VIOLA. Done!

Got any suggestions on  how to make $100 in a day? Please let me know 

FOLLOW MY PROJECT:

Twitter: @apeycatty

WordPresshttps://apriloutloud.wordpress.com/

Please Note:

This project aims to be applicable to everyone, however, since I really just need to do this myself, certain small amounts of money will come from weird sources like change my family gives me for doing errands, turning in my change like the first day, and other possibilities. Good luck!

Hello, Old Friend

Accidently parting from you, clearly, holds significance.

And I found myself coming here at a time where I am beginning to think that I could write a book.

I can use an impressionistic art inspired style to write out my life and make better sense of it in the process.

Why now?

Because I know what I’ve been going through this entire time. Partly identity crisis, but mainly, bad mental health.

Which lead to uncertainty about who was me and what was my own bad health.

And while I am not working a job, I’m not moved out, my family is a mess, and so much more, I just finally feel the repetitive black-hole-falling-sensation is gone. I’m still an emotional nutcase. I’m still a weirdo. But I finally know that’s me. FINALLY.

And I would really love to show someone like me that despite lack of support, if they really feel they are struggling to get help. If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that you should trust your mind and body when it tries to tell you something is wrong.

Everyone else can fuck off.

And if the first twenty people you talk to say you’re fine, find other fucking people. Don’t mess up like I’ve been. Don’t spend years doubting yourself.

So yeah, I’m going to write a book. Maybe it’ll never appear. Or I’ll just throw up on wattpad. CAUSE YOLO.

Hugs to the void that is my blog. Maybe I can at least show it to my kids someday or something!

 

Up and Down

I guess I’m finally starting to make decisions in life.

I’m not entirely sure what I mean by that but it feels like that’s what I’m at least trying to do.

I just hope I make it to the other side of whatever this is.

Intention

I’m still on a seemingly-endless journey to fix my life. I’m so concerned about any decision that I make that I’m basically doing nothing. But I realized yesterday I was only doing nothing because I’ve convinced myself everything I do turns out wrong. That I basically fail at everything I actually want. So in my head, not trying (which really is the only way to fail) is the only way I can avoid not just failing, but doing something wrong. Something that causes problems and a dramatic tornado of consequences. It’s just that I haven’t spent a single week of my life feeling as if my life choices were good, right, or even making me happy. Or at least I can’t recall ever feeling that way. I’m sure I could have at one point and just can’t remember. But even if that’s true, I still haven’t felt that way in forever. The last two years I’ve been telling anyone who will listen that I felt like Donnie Darko. Like I wasn’t supposed to be where I was. But maybe that has more to do with me never feeling like I belong anywhere. I only recently realized feeling constantly “out of place” is abnormal. I talked at length to two of my sisters about it. Music is the only thing/abstract place that I don’t care if I feel out of place. I’m not sure how much sense that really makes but it’s how I feel. Music is the only thing that I like about myself. I’m not too sure what my brain means by that… but it’s there. I guess nothing I ever did with it felt wrong even when my life felt wrong as a whole. It’s just- the only reason I’m even here.

I Want to Help People

To make a long story very, very short, my sister and I went to the E.R yesterday for her nearly daily vomiting (at her doctor’s suggestion). Simply put, they didn’t get anywhere. We still have no idea why she keeps vomiting and bloating (there’s a lot of poop in her that won’t come out though she still poops some, just not enough).

But the whole 7 to 8 hour experience made me wonder why, exactly, I never thought to become a doctor/nurse/healthcare person.

I want to help people. I could see parts of my personality in the RN’s. But I couldn’t really see myself there. But sometimes, by really wanting to help someone, I can do more than I normally can. I’ll happily order food for someone who’s too anxious. But there are many, many times where I am too anxious to even leave the house. But somehow, other people’s needs are enough for me to be okay. If that makes any sense… It’s just how I am? Maybe I turn into robot-mode when I feel like someone needs me. I mean, I am good in a crisis, or at least the few situations that are as close to a crisis as I can imagine (being LOST in San Francisco but figuring out how to get to the freeway in about 15 minutes just based on guess and check).

I mean, even if I wanted to somehow become some sort of healthcare professional, I’m too lacking in my own physical health to even consider it.

But it was nice, to once again after a while, realize  how much I do want to help people. Even if all the damn people of the world make me shake my fist at times!

I know I want to help people but I just want to help them at/with something I don’t suck at or can greatly endanger them with.

So not a doctor. Obviously. It’s just frustrating because I want to help people. People who need help can bring a lot of stress. I’m not sure how much stress from others I can actually handle. I don’t want to rule full aspects of life out just because I’ve “thought away” any and all possibilities. But, like I said, I don’t exactly want to murder someone on an operating table either.

Ugh.

I want to help people. Damn it.

Sorry for Being Dramatic

I’m constantly going to be scared of losing you again

Because I left you before I could lose you the first time

Then I did lose a part of you

And I thought that was fine

Until I thought I could have it back

Because no matter how much I don’t want to want that part of you

I’m scared I won’t stop

Because I thought I already had but I hadn’t

So now I just keep taking all of it out on you

And then I get scared of losing you all over again

But it’s even worse because it would be all of you

And it would all be because of me

Everything leads me to losing you

And all I want is whatever makes you better off

But I can’t just ask you

Cause then you’d know just how wrong everything is

And it would all be my fault again

This is what I mean every time I say

Sorry for Being Dramatic