I’m still on a seemingly-endless journey to fix my life. I’m so concerned about any decision that I make that I’m basically doing nothing. But I realized yesterday I was only doing nothing because I’ve convinced myself everything I do turns out wrong. That I basically fail at everything I actually want. So in my head, not trying (which really is the only way to fail) is the only way I can avoid not just failing, but doing something wrong. Something that causes problems and a dramatic tornado of consequences. It’s just that I haven’t spent a single week of my life feeling as if my life choices were good, right, or even making me happy. Or at least I can’t recall ever feeling that way. I’m sure I could have at one point and just can’t remember. But even if that’s true, I still haven’t felt that way in forever. The last two years I’ve been telling anyone who will listen that I felt like Donnie Darko. Like I wasn’t supposed to be where I was. But maybe that has more to do with me never feeling like I belong anywhere. I only recently realized feeling constantly “out of place” is abnormal. I talked at length to two of my sisters about it. Music is the only thing/abstract place that I don’t care if I feel out of place. I’m not sure how much sense that really makes but it’s how I feel. Music is the only thing that I like about myself. I’m not too sure what my brain means by that… but it’s there. I guess nothing I ever did with it felt wrong even when my life felt wrong as a whole. It’s just- the only reason I’m even here.
To make a long story very, very short, my sister and I went to the E.R yesterday for her nearly daily vomiting (at her doctor’s suggestion). Simply put, they didn’t get anywhere. We still have no idea why she keeps vomiting and bloating (there’s a lot of poop in her that won’t come out though she still poops some, just not enough).
But the whole 7 to 8 hour experience made me wonder why, exactly, I never thought to become a doctor/nurse/healthcare person.
I want to help people. I could see parts of my personality in the RN’s. But I couldn’t really see myself there. But sometimes, by really wanting to help someone, I can do more than I normally can. I’ll happily order food for someone who’s too anxious. But there are many, many times where I am too anxious to even leave the house. But somehow, other people’s needs are enough for me to be okay. If that makes any sense… It’s just how I am? Maybe I turn into robot-mode when I feel like someone needs me. I mean, I am good in a crisis, or at least the few situations that are as close to a crisis as I can imagine (being LOST in San Francisco but figuring out how to get to the freeway in about 15 minutes just based on guess and check).
I mean, even if I wanted to somehow become some sort of healthcare professional, I’m too lacking in my own physical health to even consider it.
But it was nice, to once again after a while, realize how much I do want to help people. Even if all the damn people of the world make me shake my fist at times!
I know I want to help people but I just want to help them at/with something I don’t suck at or can greatly endanger them with.
So not a doctor. Obviously. It’s just frustrating because I want to help people. People who need help can bring a lot of stress. I’m not sure how much stress from others I can actually handle. I don’t want to rule full aspects of life out just because I’ve “thought away” any and all possibilities. But, like I said, I don’t exactly want to murder someone on an operating table either.
I want to help people. Damn it.
I guess that I’ve felt like no one wanted me because I never gave anyone all the parts to want.
so why bother
I’m constantly going to be scared of losing you again
Because I left you before I could lose you the first time
Then I did lose a part of you
And I thought that was fine
Until I thought I could have it back
Because no matter how much I don’t want to want that part of you
I’m scared I won’t stop
Because I thought I already had but I hadn’t
So now I just keep taking all of it out on you
And then I get scared of losing you all over again
But it’s even worse because it would be all of you
And it would all be because of me
Everything leads me to losing you
And all I want is whatever makes you better off
But I can’t just ask you
Cause then you’d know just how wrong everything is
And it would all be my fault again
This is what I mean every time I say
Sorry for Being Dramatic
So lately I have been going through a ton of changes and I’ve been losing sleep over the uncertainty that I have about my goals. Sure, I want to get employed and independent for once in my life but all those things are just dreams until I figure out how to get there.
Like I’ve said before, I keep trying. I’m exercising daily. I’m trying to vary the foods I eat. I’m fixing damaged friendships, I’m taking better physical care for myself. I’m slowly getting my sleep patterned back to the normal land-of-the-living hours.
But I don’t want to lose sight of my main goals. That’s the struggle as I try to fix my life before anyone realizes it was ever broken.
If you had a million dollars…
Would you be ready for your dream?
I’m not sure exactly what has been messing up my thought patterns lately but it has been frustrating.
I’ve stress-cleaned so many times I’m almost out of things to clean.
I’ve hardly got any savings left to stress shop.
I’ve eaten my weight in almond ice cream.
I’ve “marathoned” two Netflix shows and I’m almost done with the second one.
I’ve made a point of stretching twice a day.
And yet I’m still forgetting the simplest things.
And I’m still sleeping in more than I intend to.
I’m just going to keep trying.
At least if I do try to be unhappy I know I will be
If I actually tried to be happy.
And I couldn’t.
I don’t think I could get myself to try.
It would just be over.
And there wouldn’t be any more
A few weeks back I looked up a bunch of emotions in both French and Spanish. Emotions that I was feeling at that moment. I keep feeling, in summation, INADEQUATE.
With everything. So, as I always do, I tried to think of a way to be okay with it. So I looked up words like “dejected” and “fear” along with a few song lyrics and wrote them down. The “x’s” are ones currently on my wall.
Each time I feel overwhelmed, I write one of the words on my dark blue wall in chalk. I just wrote “abatido” (which means dejected) a few minutes ago.
I am trying to figure things out. I’m just so thankful for the odd moments I get from time to time. Like when Jewel comes on my ipod and I hear a song I’ve never heard.
And the first few lines make me laugh at 4am.
“If you love somebody
You better let it out
Don’t hold it back
While you’re trying to figure it out”- Jewel “Satisfied“
And I really think I’m starting to feel satisfied.
I’m a little lost on where to have this post go.
I don’t have a title and I don’t have a clear end in sight. The last two days have been a lot.
The last few years have been a bit too much. I’ve been finding myself thinking about what I want my life to look like in a few years.
Who do I want to be a part of my life? Am I sure I want ten cats at 28? Am I in an apartment? What city am I in?
The little things.
Right now I don’t know much about the big things. And once again, all I feel sure about are the things I don’t want. But maybe, just maybe, I have finally crossed out enough things, avoided enough life paths, that something will finally make sense.
I don’t think I hate feeling like such a mess. It feels more like me.
“having nothing to struggle
they have nothing to struggle
― Charles Bukowski, You Get So Alone at Times That it Just Makes Sense
“it seemed to me that I had never met
another person on earth
as discouraging to my happiness
as my father.
and it appeared that I had
the same effect upon
― Charles Bukowski, You Get So Alone at Times That it Just Makes Sense