When Nothing’s Enough

I’m running out of ideas again.

When I start writing again I’m getting desperate.

I’m 25 and I still sound like a moody 16 year old.

Maybe things like this aren’t supposed to change.

Not for me.

 

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Blogging About Social Issues

I’ve come to realize it can be near impossible to talk about social problems with a good majority of people in my life. So my new goal is to be more subtle.

After all, how can I explain the significance of intersectionality when talking about social inequalities, if the people I am talking to don’t “believe” in racism or misogyny?

I can’t.

The idea that there are people who just assume that if they don’t know anything about something, then it simply doesn’t exist. I need to find a way to get past the anger I feel towards these people and not just because they are family.

So for now, I am going to be a silent observer, and figure out a way to earn respect and how to use persuasive techniques before I try to engage in bigger conversations.

I feel obligated to say something but I don’t want to waste my words and make “negative progress”.

Wish me luck, silence, this may take a while.

People See This Blog?

Apparently, people see this blog? People stumble here somehow???????

This blog is my mental escape. The place I got after a mental breakdown or a traumatic period has concluded. It’s where i go to get my bearings, if you will. It’s where i go when I’m buzzed from kratom that will soon be illegal.

Since this is AprilOutLoud… I’d like to shout something today:

 

I KEEP WANTING TO BE A FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BUT MAYBE FUCKING FUNCTIONAL IN OUR WORLD RIGHT NOW IS NOT A GOOD THING. MAYBE I DONT NEED TO CHANGE MAYBE THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE.

I’m not going to ever work in a cubicle or something so soul sucking. i don’t care if that makes me sound like im 12. or 15. or 20. IM NOT

Current goal in life is to be some sorta rock/alt version of Zedd. cause i can’t sing. i cant play instruments cause of the RA. so PLAN ZEDD.

im  fucking hilarious.

 

Well Fuck

I feel like there is something I am supposed to do. I can’t seem to get a job. I have reached a point where it takes me all of an hour to look through 7 job sites and not find anything I am qualified to do or have not already applied for.

It has gotten beyond frustrating.

I’m looking up my career horoscopes in the hope that it will trigger something in my brain to find a way around this or through this OR JUST TO HAVE MONEY.

It is a few days before my last semester and all I intend to do is read my books ahead of time in the hope that it makes it so I have less work to do in the future so I have more time to apply for jobs in the coming weeks.

I’ve never had this much trouble getting a job besides my first job ever. I’m so discouraged, which I could get through if I had SOMETHING to apply to. Just one a week? That would make me happy.
My job Search Sites:

  1. Indeed
  2. Craigslist
  3. Glassdoor
  4. Snagajob
  5. Career Connection (through my school)
  6. Simply Hired
  7. Linkup
  8. Monster
  9. Guess (aka new businesses I see that have opened up, stores that I’ve ever applied to etc.)

I guess I will enjoy my “guilty” free time for now as best I can.

Well Fuck.

100 Dollars a Day Project Day #2

 Goal: Have 7,000 by mid-December (Three months or so of expenses plus starting cash) I am moving to LA come January after graduation. Woot!

CURRENT DEBT: 4,129 + 7000 = 11,129

Current Employment: Unemployed and trying so hard to change that!

Day Two:

SELL EVERYTHING

When it comes down to it, maybe I don’t need to have my N64 games since I haven’t had a N64 in four years (my brother “lost” it).

So I sold them:

First I sold some at DKOldies

List if you’re interested : (Mario Party, Banjo Kazooie, Pokemon Stadium, Super Mario 64, and Resident Evil 2)

Then I sold some at The Old School Game Vault

List if you’re interested (Wrestlemania 2000, 1080 snowboarding *$1.08*, JetForce Gemini *1.05*, Zelda Ocarinia of Time gold *14.09*, a controller, and a memory card

 

The grand total is $126.00 but I will pay for shipping for one box. However, it will somehow be reimbursed and I’ll update this post with how that process goes.

 

Got any suggestions on  how to make $100 in a day? Please let me know
S
eriously I have no ideas for tomorrow… 😥

FOLLOW MY PROJECT:

Twitter: @apeycatty

WordPresshttps://apriloutloud.wordpress.com/

Please Note:

This project aims to be applicable to everyone, however, since I just really need to do this myself, certain small amounts of money will come from weird sources like change my family gives me for doing errands, turning in my change like the first day, and other possibilities. Good luck!

100 Dollars a Day Project Day #1

Why 100 dollars?

Goals: Have 7,000 by mid-December (Three months or so of expenses plus starting cash)

I am moving to LA come January after graduation. Woot!

CURRENT DEBT: 4,129 + 7000 = 11,129

Current Employment: Unemployed

Day One:

Today I turned my coins into Coinstar, obviously, this is not me gaining 100 dollars but it is money I did not account for until this project. Most days this project aims to EARN money and not just “find” it.

So how much cash did I earn get from Coinstar?

$114.26 !!!!!!!

 

IMG_2686

My e-gift card

 

Now the interesting thing about this is, I chose to get an Amazon.com gift card. This saves me $12 in fees. So now I will order three Taco Bell gift cards and one Burger King gift card for when I buy fast food for my dad. He gives me cash, I use my card and VIOLA. Done!

Got any suggestions on  how to make $100 in a day? Please let me know 

FOLLOW MY PROJECT:

Twitter: @apeycatty

WordPresshttps://apriloutloud.wordpress.com/

Please Note:

This project aims to be applicable to everyone, however, since I really just need to do this myself, certain small amounts of money will come from weird sources like change my family gives me for doing errands, turning in my change like the first day, and other possibilities. Good luck!

Hello, Old Friend

Accidently parting from you, clearly, holds significance.

And I found myself coming here at a time where I am beginning to think that I could write a book.

I can use an impressionistic art inspired style to write out my life and make better sense of it in the process.

Why now?

Because I know what I’ve been going through this entire time. Partly identity crisis, but mainly, bad mental health.

Which lead to uncertainty about who was me and what was my own bad health.

And while I am not working a job, I’m not moved out, my family is a mess, and so much more, I just finally feel the repetitive black-hole-falling-sensation is gone. I’m still an emotional nutcase. I’m still a weirdo. But I finally know that’s me. FINALLY.

And I would really love to show someone like me that despite lack of support, if they really feel they are struggling to get help. If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that you should trust your mind and body when it tries to tell you something is wrong.

Everyone else can fuck off.

And if the first twenty people you talk to say you’re fine, find other fucking people. Don’t mess up like I’ve been. Don’t spend years doubting yourself.

So yeah, I’m going to write a book. Maybe it’ll never appear. Or I’ll just throw up on wattpad. CAUSE YOLO.

Hugs to the void that is my blog. Maybe I can at least show it to my kids someday or something!

 

Up and Down

I guess I’m finally starting to make decisions in life.

I’m not entirely sure what I mean by that but it feels like that’s what I’m at least trying to do.

I just hope I make it to the other side of whatever this is.

Intention

I’m still on a seemingly-endless journey to fix my life. I’m so concerned about any decision that I make that I’m basically doing nothing. But I realized yesterday I was only doing nothing because I’ve convinced myself everything I do turns out wrong. That I basically fail at everything I actually want. So in my head, not trying (which really is the only way to fail) is the only way I can avoid not just failing, but doing something wrong. Something that causes problems and a dramatic tornado of consequences. It’s just that I haven’t spent a single week of my life feeling as if my life choices were good, right, or even making me happy. Or at least I can’t recall ever feeling that way. I’m sure I could have at one point and just can’t remember. But even if that’s true, I still haven’t felt that way in forever. The last two years I’ve been telling anyone who will listen that I felt like Donnie Darko. Like I wasn’t supposed to be where I was. But maybe that has more to do with me never feeling like I belong anywhere. I only recently realized feeling constantly “out of place” is abnormal. I talked at length to two of my sisters about it. Music is the only thing/abstract place that I don’t care if I feel out of place. I’m not sure how much sense that really makes but it’s how I feel. Music is the only thing that I like about myself. I’m not too sure what my brain means by that… but it’s there. I guess nothing I ever did with it felt wrong even when my life felt wrong as a whole. It’s just- the only reason I’m even here.