Felt the Need to Write… So Here’s a Random Rant

I’ve been thinking of friendships a lot lately. I guess I always am. I’m constantly wondering why I am so annoyed by my friends at times, but I still can’t find out why. Maybe it’s because we, as humans crave drama and some of us are almost self-destructive, in a sense that we want horrible things to happen to us just so that there’s some purpose to our day.
So the question then is am I delf-destructive? Hell if I know. I just know that I expect too much from my friends.
What annoys me the most right now is how I am always trying to connect the relationships that I have with people now, to the ones I killed years ago. Friends scare the crap out of me. That’s the real truth, that’s why I am so closed of to the world. I’m so surprised I haven’t lost the friends I have now already, it’s feels really weird.
So here’s a pointless stroy, told very badly…
Best friends suck. They just want to use you and put you down and change you.
In other words they are your worst enemy, keep your friends close and your enemies closer, remember?
My friends did. Yep, they had that down. I hate how desperate I was to have a good, close friend- I did everything for them. Of course I am shown appreciation by only an ounce of betryal and oceanfull of crap. I just never understand where I went wrong, or what I did to fuck these things up. I’m anything but perfection, but I try so hard to be a good friend to people.
You know, walking down the halls in middle school people’s looks toward me made me think of my future and where I would be. I always thought that they were thinking I was going to fail at life and become some horrible drug dealer or something. I’ve always felt like I had to prove myself to those people. I hated middle school.
What’s the point?
I am horrible at expressing myself. I’m horrible at a lot lately.


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