Never Thought I’d Hate A Heartbeat

From time to time it just keeps thumping. So much sometimes that when it stops my heartbeat can only remind me of it. I used to associate this suffocating feeling with only good things, but now, but for a while that has changed. I keep thinking of how most journal or journal-esque ramblings are normally or typically or stereotypically about actual events in someone’s life. But I hardly get out of my own head. Maybe it’s the way I think that makes me atypical or just odd. I always seem to picture someone saying my thoughts as I process them, and yes logically (or scientifically) I understand imagining someone saying my thoughts as I think them isn’t exactly what happens. They can’t exactly at the same time it seems. It must be just a little bit after the thought. Doesn’t it? And no I am not a schizophrenic. There’s still just one me and all the different tones in my head are still coming from me. I’ve already lost my priority. Thankfully it has been a while since that thumping has been around but it seems close to me at the moment. 

I’ve got my doubts about everything, and almost all of it is quite easy to deal with when I really think about it, but damn. Some things just aren’t made to make sense. And yet we try and make sense of them. And we label the crazy people crazy. When maybe they’re the only ones anywhere near figuring anything worth understanding out. Guess my thoughts aren’t even on the verge of, I was going to put originality but I know better. I guess I haven’t come up with anything that anyone can learn from yet. I haven’t found a way to help anyone through this yet and I guess that’s what is bothering me. 

It’s things like that thumping that make me alienated. How can I console anyone if I can’t console myself? I take that question back. I meant how can I trust myself to console anyone if I can’t console myself? I guess to me my insecurity isn’t insecurity, it’s logic. 




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