I Don’t Want to Go Back To College

So last semester (aka Spring 2015) I dropped out of college. Over the last few days I have been doubting if it was the right decision. At the time it did not feel like a choice. If I did not make a choice, I never would have gone to class anyway. It felt like staying in school would be inauthentic to everything that I am and I am trying to be- if that makes much sense.

But tonight, as I was brushing my teeth with my awesome electronic toothbrush and brainstorming what to do with my life, I thought of some video I saw somewhere about people who get ads tattooed on their body and companies pay them as live and living ads.

r.m. drake

I imagined having the Reebok symbol tattooed on my wrist right next to the only tattoo I hope to get one day- a phoenix.

When did I decide I wanted a phoenix on my left arm? Right around the time I was thinking of dropping out for the second time last semester. It was March. I liked the idea of phoenixes being reborn, being a vibrant color, being able to fly, and most importantly- not real.

It occurred to me and my odd connections of thoughts, that I’ve wanted that tattoo every day since I decided I originally wanted it. The feeling never faded. 

Of course this made me think of dropping out of school, had I really changed my mind? Was anything I felt different suddenly? No.

It would just be easier to make my family happy with me getting a Bachelor’s than it would be for me to try to be happy.

But I can’t won’t shrug my shoulders all my life just because I did feel like trying hard enough. That has never been who I am. So I have come to realize I have always felt indebted to my parents because of everything they have done for me and if I could make them happy, at least I would be doing something.

But I just know if I stayed in school I would just keep trudging along like a mindless zombie because it was convenient and comfortable. I am so tired of being comfortable!!!

On the logical side, dropping out is a terrible idea, but I’m tired of being logical. I want to be utterly ridiculous!

I want to help people and be intellectually stimulated and creative! I want to do impossible things!

But I don’t want to go back to college.

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