Intention

I’m still on a seemingly-endless journey to fix my life. I’m so concerned about any decision that I make that I’m basically doing nothing. But I realized yesterday I was only doing nothing because I’ve convinced myself everything I do turns out wrong. That I basically fail at everything I actually want. So in my head, not trying (which really is the only way to fail) is the only way I can avoid not just failing, but doing something wrong. Something that causes problems and a dramatic tornado of consequences. It’s just that I haven’t spent a single week of my life feeling as if my life choices were good, right, or even making me happy. Or at least I can’t recall ever feeling that way. I’m sure I could have at one point and just can’t remember. But even if that’s true, I still haven’t felt that way in forever. The last two years I’ve been telling anyone who will listen that I felt like Donnie Darko. Like I wasn’t supposed to be where I was. But maybe that has more to do with me never feeling like I belong anywhere. I only recently realized feeling constantly “out of place” is abnormal. I talked at length to two of my sisters about it. Music is the only thing/abstract place that I don’t care if I feel out of place. I’m not sure how much sense that really makes but it’s how I feel. Music is the only thing that I like about myself. I’m not too sure what my brain means by that… but it’s there. I guess nothing I ever did with it felt wrong even when my life felt wrong as a whole. It’s just- the only reason I’m even here.

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