Well Fuck

I feel like there is something I am supposed to do. I can’t seem to get a job. I have reached a point where it takes me all of an hour to look through 7 job sites and not find anything I am qualified to do or have not already applied for.

It has gotten beyond frustrating.

I’m looking up my career horoscopes in the hope that it will trigger something in my brain to find a way around this or through this OR JUST TO HAVE MONEY.

It is a few days before my last semester and all I intend to do is read my books ahead of time in the hope that it makes it so I have less work to do in the future so I have more time to apply for jobs in the coming weeks.

I’ve never had this much trouble getting a job besides my first job ever. I’m so discouraged, which I could get through if I had SOMETHING to apply to. Just one a week? That would make me happy.
My job Search Sites:

  1. Indeed
  2. Craigslist
  3. Glassdoor
  4. Snagajob
  5. Career Connection (through my school)
  6. Simply Hired
  7. Linkup
  8. Monster
  9. Guess (aka new businesses I see that have opened up, stores that I’ve ever applied to etc.)

I guess I will enjoy my “guilty” free time for now as best I can.

Well Fuck.

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I Want To Be Terrified

Five years ago, I had just graduated from high school. I would spend that summer becoming invisible to my friends who were mostly going to community college while I was headed to San Diego State.

Five years ago, in my A.P English class my teacher shared this Commencement Address with all of his classes.

He explained, if I recall correctly, that a former student had sent it to him. He liked it and had shared it with all of his students at the end of the year. It was originally attributed to author, Kurt Vonnegut, until I recently looked up its origins a few weeks back when I felt myself wanting to quote it.

image1Do one thing every day that scares you.” –Mary Schmich

The paper now has the correct author scribbled on it with permanent marker and it is hanging on the wall near my bedroom window.

It reminds me that anyone can say something wise and the only way anyone feels like anything ever said is wise is when the listener needs to hear it. Who says it is completely insignificant because the words we need to hear most often don’t come from some professor or critically acclaimed writer, they come from someone who has the experience. Wise words come from emotions and not from numbers of books sold, or people with Ph.D’s, or people with billions of dollars. They come from hurt.

I want to be terrified.

One Great Achievement

I was wondering if I had the gusto/patience/nihilistic tendencies to I asked my father:

If I could achieve something great, like the Nobel Peace Prize, curing a disease, climbing Mt. Everest, or something just remarkable, what would you want me to do?

Or what the hell would I want to do? I feel like if I had some bigger-than-life dream I could see everything else as only mildly impossible outcomes and not as big daunting tasks that I could never do. As if I need perspective. Do I?

If some magical creature broke into my bedroom from the ground underneath and told me I could achieve some great feat guaranteed through some kind of magical destiny, what would I want to do?

480x326xbukowski-grave-e1361771067336.jpeg.pagespeed.ic.m7TMj4tYeaWell, I woke up today to an email about Charles Bukowski, my favorite author, and how he had the words “Don’t Try” on his gravestone. The email suggested that whatever it is you can’t stop yourself from doing, is your talent. It is the thing you “don’t try” to do but have to. 

I guess that’s just bouncing around in my head today.

So of course I look into his gravestone’s words and their significance. After, I decided what those two words meant to me.

In an interview (article here) with Lidna Bukowski, his wife, she clarified, “Because if you’re spending your time trying something, you’re not doing it…”DON’T TRY.”

This letter came up with the gravestone search and it now hold another favorite Bukowski quote of mine:

“Classes? Classes are for asses.” 5184593894_52347ef759_o

I Don’t Want to Go Back To College

So last semester (aka Spring 2015) I dropped out of college. Over the last few days I have been doubting if it was the right decision. At the time it did not feel like a choice. If I did not make a choice, I never would have gone to class anyway. It felt like staying in school would be inauthentic to everything that I am and I am trying to be- if that makes much sense.

But tonight, as I was brushing my teeth with my awesome electronic toothbrush and brainstorming what to do with my life, I thought of some video I saw somewhere about people who get ads tattooed on their body and companies pay them as live and living ads.

r.m. drake

I imagined having the Reebok symbol tattooed on my wrist right next to the only tattoo I hope to get one day- a phoenix.

When did I decide I wanted a phoenix on my left arm? Right around the time I was thinking of dropping out for the second time last semester. It was March. I liked the idea of phoenixes being reborn, being a vibrant color, being able to fly, and most importantly- not real.

It occurred to me and my odd connections of thoughts, that I’ve wanted that tattoo every day since I decided I originally wanted it. The feeling never faded. 

Of course this made me think of dropping out of school, had I really changed my mind? Was anything I felt different suddenly? No.

It would just be easier to make my family happy with me getting a Bachelor’s than it would be for me to try to be happy.

But I can’t won’t shrug my shoulders all my life just because I did feel like trying hard enough. That has never been who I am. So I have come to realize I have always felt indebted to my parents because of everything they have done for me and if I could make them happy, at least I would be doing something.

But I just know if I stayed in school I would just keep trudging along like a mindless zombie because it was convenient and comfortable. I am so tired of being comfortable!!!

On the logical side, dropping out is a terrible idea, but I’m tired of being logical. I want to be utterly ridiculous!

I want to help people and be intellectually stimulated and creative! I want to do impossible things!

But I don’t want to go back to college.