I’m still on a seemingly-endless journey to fix my life. I’m so concerned about any decision that I make that I’m basically doing nothing. But I realized yesterday I was only doing nothing because I’ve convinced myself everything I do turns out wrong. That I basically fail at everything I actually want. So in my head, not trying (which really is the only way to fail) is the only way I can avoid not just failing, but doing something wrong. Something that causes problems and a dramatic tornado of consequences. It’s just that I haven’t spent a single week of my life feeling as if my life choices were good, right, or even making me happy. Or at least I can’t recall ever feeling that way. I’m sure I could have at one point and just can’t remember. But even if that’s true, I still haven’t felt that way in forever. The last two years I’ve been telling anyone who will listen that I felt like Donnie Darko. Like I wasn’t supposed to be where I was. But maybe that has more to do with me never feeling like I belong anywhere. I only recently realized feeling constantly “out of place” is abnormal. I talked at length to two of my sisters about it. Music is the only thing/abstract place that I don’t care if I feel out of place. I’m not sure how much sense that really makes but it’s how I feel. Music is the only thing that I like about myself. I’m not too sure what my brain means by that… but it’s there. I guess nothing I ever did with it felt wrong even when my life felt wrong as a whole. It’s just- the only reason I’m even here.


Bands Lost in ’09 (or at least changed)


#1 Go: Audio

This band was one I found out about this year, and they broke up. One of their best videos.

#2 Armor For Sleep
I couldn’t pick which video to put up here, the first one is one of their songs I really liked. Helped me out a lot too.

This one is my favorite video of theirs.

#3 My American Heart
This was a real bummer and I also put another song of theirs that’s been in my head lately! I’m hoping to see them at the Epicenter at their last show. I really hope I can go!

This song really rocks too!

#4 Cute Is What We Aim For

It really took me a long time to decide if I like them, and every now and again I don’t. This is the first video I ever saw of theirs, and the line “jealousy is the cousin of greed” made me check the band out.

#5 Panic! At The Disco
I freaking hated this band for the two years that they were “popular”, but after my brother happily discarded their CD to my sister, and she played it over and over at her house- I heard their whole album. I still didn’t really like it. But eventually the CD came my way, and I listened to it again, and then I liked it. My brother and sister no longer like them, of course! I do not really value the music in their first CD, but the lyrics were refreshing at the time. Their newest album has a lot more value musically and the lyrics were just as good.

If you doubt their awesomeness here’s a video where the lead singer hits a really freakin high note, so at the very least know he can sing!

#6 Fall Out Boy
Their lyrics are amazing, right up there with Say Anything. Oh, I mean WERE amazing. This was the first song that came to mind. It sounds like me. So here you go!

So that sucks huh?
All the people who died this year, it’s just ridiculous!
There’s not a lot of good that happened this year. Not with anything. I can’t think of one good thing to say about 2009!
Thank monkeys it is over real soon!

Hoping you make it to 2010!