Hello, Old Friend

Accidently parting from you, clearly, holds significance.

And I found myself coming here at a time where I am beginning to think that I could write a book.

I can use an impressionistic art inspired style to write out my life and make better sense of it in the process.

Why now?

Because I know what I’ve been going through this entire time. Partly identity crisis, but mainly, bad mental health.

Which lead to uncertainty about who was me and what was my own bad health.

And while I am not working a job, I’m not moved out, my family is a mess, and so much more, I just finally feel the repetitive black-hole-falling-sensation is gone. I’m still an emotional nutcase. I’m still a weirdo. But I finally know that’s me. FINALLY.

And I would really love to show someone like me that despite lack of support, if they really feel they are struggling to get help. If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that you should trust your mind and body when it tries to tell you something is wrong.

Everyone else can fuck off.

And if the first twenty people you talk to say you’re fine, find other fucking people. Don’t mess up like I’ve been. Don’t spend years doubting yourself.

So yeah, I’m going to write a book. Maybe it’ll never appear. Or I’ll just throw up on wattpad. CAUSE YOLO.

Hugs to the void that is my blog. Maybe I can at least show it to my kids someday or something!

 

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If I Had Unlimited Money Until I Achieved Something…

If I had unlimited funds until I decided what I wanted to do with my life and the money would go away once I reached whatever goal I planned, what would I do?

I have been wondering if asking this kind of question is better than asking myself what I would do with 20 million dollars or whatever. If I could do this it would allow me to fail over and over again. It will help me focus on what really matters. Notice how the question does not include me being necessarily successful, but rather me just reaching a single goal related to what I wanted to do. The goal would have to be something that wasn’t completely insane (like time travel) as this would make the question pointless as you would never achieve the goal and therefore never run out of money… and where is the fun in that?

What would I be working on right here, right now, today, if I thought I’d have the funds to make/create/build it, with the requirement that I would need to be able to sustain it afterwards without additional funds as the money would stop?

Basically, what could I do given unlimited resources that could actually be successful that would give me some life purpose?

For someone creative like me, it can be hard to know where to focus within life. The stupid things start feeling significant. The day-to-day eats at you. I work on odd side projects convinced I’m just too stuck on something else to get anywhere.

But recently, I realized if I woke up to millions of dollars being mine, I wouldn’t have any immediate action I could really take with anything that’s under the “life purpose” category of dreams.

Nothing I’m trying to achieve is at a place where throwing money at it would make a difference.

Why is this? I may not have an explanation for that, but I know what the problem is now and it isn’t a very hard one to fix.

How profound of me!

Grasping at Straws

I have been trying to find a solution that’s not applicable to the question. I was debating changing my major.

Again.

But I realized my problem had nothing to do with my major. My problem was my lack of freedom; emotional and physical. Every change I make is me trying to reclaim myself.

The cause you ask?

Daddy issues.

I need to be independent and I will do anything to get there.

Reasons why My Dad Sucks

I’m not trying to be an asshole, it’s just I need motivation to move out.

With that in mind, let us begin:

1. He gets furious at the amount of toilet paper we (the girls of my family) use!!! Like WHAT THE FUCK?!

2. He gets mad if you trip and make only a high pitched noise. If it is a loud ass grunt you’re ok. But NOT any growling “cause it scares him”.

3. He likes to starve us and not buy food. In the last month I have spent 300 on food. We sometimes have bread. He doesn’t like to buy soy milk even though my stomach can no longer really handle milk.

4. He will let us run out of soda. Soda is my only caffeine source. I NEED caffeine. I’ve tried to stop but it is so hard when it’s cheap and makes the rice you eat 10x a week taste like more than just white rice.

5. He lied about our new house. My sisters and mom can’t have tv’s in their room because it would cost too much to hook up.

6. He referred to my brother as his step-son to his brother on the phone. I wanted to murder him.

7. He can’t remember my major or what I want to do.

8. He lied for a year about buying me a car and I could have saved up and bought one already. I didn’t do this because it could/would have pissed him off.

9. He own’t trust my mom with a credit card ever since she bought my sister and I lunch one time 8 or 9 years ago.

10. We must keep our cats in our rooms at night so he doesn’t get woken up. Needless to say they scratch at the door and cry so much that none of us are getting enough sleep.

11. He is cheap about every fucking thing.

12. He doesn’t listen

13. He is almost always condescending.

14. He interrupts everyone

15. He asks what you said when he enters a room even when the conversation was not directed towards him in any way.

16. He gets mad if you’re in anywhere he wants to be EVEN IF YOU WERE THERE FIRST

17. He gets mad if you eat dinner before him. Basically we HAVE to wait for him to eat before we do.

18. If you eat anything from 4pm to 6pm he will say “well aren’t you eating dinner?” or “didn’t you eat lunch?” Coming from an obese man here!

19. Inconsistent parenting throughout my life

20. It’s a daily effort not to fucking hate him.

21. My mother inherited a house from her friend years and years ago. He told her not to pay some sort of fee and I was like 4 or 5 and we got EVICTED.

22. He has evaded taxes before many many years in a row.

23. Because of this I couldn’t get the fafsa for YEARS

24. I can’t apply for medical *obamacare* because i would need his Drivers license as i am under 25.

25. He told my sisters they could move in and has been a complete asshole ever since/

26. He has screamed at me when a computer stops working. He then got mad when I cried. He then got mad when my mom got mad at him. Then he said I was spoiled. And for my mom to let him raise his daughter.

27. He never sees his now 30 something year old son. And hasn’t since he was 12. I can’t understand that.

28. He got mad when I wanted to see a psychologist. I was diagnosed bipolar. After i decided to stop seeing my psychiatrist, my parents both decided I wasn’t bipolar. So three years later when I wanted to find a way to see a psychologist he got mad. AGAIN. I still haven’t seen one since.

29. HE IS SO FULL OF SHIT WHY AM I STILL LIVING HERE? I’D rather have crippling arthritis (cause i wouldn’t afford rent and my doctor bills) and living in a fucking alleyway.

Writing A Lot of Papers For College… Posting Good Ones!

So yeah, going to start posting essays that I write, so I can delete them!
I have also been thinking of only mainly using tumblr to blog. It lets me post audio, and I actually follow a few people on there. I just haven’t had time to figure out how to use it.
So eventually…
I’m currently working on a lot of stuff. Writing music, doing a few videos, and writing this story for my music…
That’s all hard to explain though.
Also looking into doing some Documentaries.
I also have so much school work to do. Last week I wrote 7 papers, for 5 classes. One of which I didn’t write anything for. So for 4 classes.

Tonight I am bouncing between work and relazing time. But mainly working on studying for my tests on Monday…

So anyway here’s an essay. The very first paper I ever wrote for SDSU. Okay how weird. I just got another idea for a story… Well anyway!

I wanted to upload I video here, but I forgot I can’t do that. Can I on tumblr? If so. Forget this blog!

Duality of Writing

All forms of art allow people to escape reality while expressing themselves. Writing is very freeing. There are so many different ways to write. Some music has a melody and a harmonizing part; and some have multiple melodic lines. Writing as well can have one main idea (the melody) and a harmonizing part (specific evidence, or details) or it can have several related main ideas (or several melodic lines). Furthermore, writing and music have rules; but those rules are there just to be broken.
While the many options that a writer has to choose from when they begin writing is beautiful; it can cause paralysis. It is this idea that causes for us, as writers to re-write and edit our work. I guess true beauties are worth the time.

The greatest experience I’ve had with my own writing- was my senior year English class. The teacher emphasized that sometimes how something is said is just as important as what’s said. He challenged the class to try and write like the authors we love. I’m sure classes at SDSU will be similar.

San Diego State was the most logical choice for me to further my education; I’ve lived here all my life.

Not Everything is Magic…

Stupid Angels and Airwaves in my mind. Things have been bad lately. Maybe I need to come up with some magic wand, and use it to lighten everyone up! If we could look outside ourselves for ten minutes a day, life would be so much better. Everything is getting old. Lately, I’ve been focusing more on myself, with college being a place where I know no-one, I had to. I still don’t know anyone. It seems that people are becoming even more self-absorbed and it’s rubbing off on me. Whenever I do something I really try to think of how other people will respond to my actions.

I’m starting to believe that all my failed friendships have made me search for my own faults so much that I am so aware of everyone else’s. That I can’t help but notice how little people think about others, with their actions. I mean the simple things people do, like getting a glass of water, most of the time I will ask someone if they need anything from the kitchen. While some people I know don’t even think to offer drinks when you were invited over. Simple stuff like that happening again and again gets noticed by me.

I guess when friendships end for other people, they do not believe that it was their fault, so they don’t ask what they did wrong. Maybe that’s it.

Who the hell knows?
Well on a good note, I have one class tomorrow, in 9 and a half hours, (I need to go to sleep soon) then it is the start of my weekend.

I have nothing planned.
Almost everything I did over the summer was something I planned. Maybe if I sleep all weekend and do my work I will feel a little better.

But I know I’d be happier with a little hmmmmm, I will say “hooch”. Like Sum41’s song. Haha.

-This song is better than Everything’s Magic. At the moment at least.

Bye
-AOL
LOL April Out Loud abbreviated… if I spelt that right is AOL!!!! How funny. That cheered me up. That’s kind of sad…
Oh well.

My Life… History Assignment From This Semester!

Senior year is finally wrapping up! I just finished up the AP for English Literature. Senior exhibitions are coming up; it’ll be nice to get that over with. Once I graduate, I am taking a course at the Art Institute San Diego for audio production, it is a four day course; and I am looking forward to it. Sometime over the summer my parents are going to move to La Mesa, and I am likely to move in with my sisters when they move this summer as well. I am going to San Diego State in the fall and I’m sure that will be very, well- interesting.
My mom’s Birthday just passed by on April 30th, I made her a cake and my sisters brought Italian food over so my mom wouldn’t have to cook. It was really nice. Lately my mom has been working, so my dad and I have had to cook at times. My dad, well, I’ve never met someone who has liked his cooking. It’s not terrible; it just doesn’t have a lot of taste to it. I also hate everything I cook.
On a less important note, there are two concerts coming up this summer. If you haven’t been to some kind of concert in your life, then there’s certainly something missing from you life. I must admit, rock concerts have- just- a certain ambiance that is unparalleled. Maybe it’s just how energetic it all seems; and how positive. Everyone has so much energy, and it feels like a dream the whole time. It’s something worth being addicted to- I really can’t explain it very well. I could go on, but I won’t.
That’s all that is going on with me, I’m hoping all my friends graduate, and that they make solid plans for their futures. I wish them the best no matter what happens. A lot of things have been rocky lately, but hopefully the storm is over. Being optimistic is fun. Well it’s particularly funny when you really don’t think that way, and you’re just trying to be positive.

—-So yeah, that’s it. I’ve got less than 3 weeks before my high school career is over. Awesome. Senior exhibitions are Thursday, and mine is at 2:15! I was hoping to go first! 😦 I’ve got so much work to do right now, I swear I am developing ADD. Wish me luck imaginary people!!!

xoxo
-April

Also wrote to goals that I had for this assignment… I wrote to spend more time with my cat, and jeez he died 3 months later. Maybe it was me??? Smotheirng him with love, haha.
Goal #1
My current goal is to focus on my health a lot more. I keep getting sick, and having a lot of problems with basic things. I do stupid things, I am young after all. But even so, I need to learn how to take care of myself now, before things start to catch up with me. I know once I move in with my sisters I will eat better. They both can cook and my one sister is a diabetic and my other is a vegan. So they are both really healthy. I can only hope that I will learn how to cook good healthy food from them. I can’t actually plan much out with this, at least not at the moment. But for now I am eating less meat and trying to cook more. I will also make an effort to exercise more, and that will be easier to do as summer approaches. Maybe I will spend more time with my cat for my own and his well being. He is getting old and he needs more love. My friend just recently lost her dog that spent a week and a half being very sick after an incident occurred that I do not know the full details of.
Goal #2

Another goal I have right now is to write a song on guitar. It’s been a few months since I last finished one, and I want this one to have two guitar parts. I’ve learned how to record my songs and I’ve gotten pretty good at mixing them. I just have not had a lot of time. I’m sure I will have a few written at least by the end of May. Recorded and mixed, I’m not so sure. Either way it is progress.

That’s it now! ^_^

My Life

I apparently wrote this for my history class back in January, and now we have to do a “My Life” section again. I took a look at this and I wish I could just use the same one. Nothing has really changed since January. What can I say, my life is simple!

There’s never really much going on in my life. Not anything tangible anyway. My life does not include sports, a job, or even going to church. What activities I do are ones that are done last minute and thought of at the spur of the moment. Makes it interesting. It includes lots of projects that are left undone and abandoned.

But anyway, school this year has been interesting so far. That’s all, not much else going on there. Home. Home’s been fine. I am in my room a lot though. People who read, write, draw, and make videos, tend to do a lot alone. It works.

The other activity I have is playing guitar. Definitely glad I learned how to play. It’s been fun- that’s all that I can put about that.

As far as failures this school year, there’s nothing I’d label as a failure. While certain things were left undone, others were more important. I am glad I trusted my own decisions. If only I could do everything.
On the other side, I have successfully been pretty unsuccessful. I’ve maintained everything I already had, just lack any improvement, but I have seen a lot of people moving backwards- falling grades worsening attitudes.

Success does not matter to me, at least most of the time it doesn’t. We cannot hope for a happy result from everything we do, I just try to enjoy the outcome and make something out of it. “Life is a succession of moments. To live each one is to succeed”- Corita Kent.