I Desperately

I desperately want to use this blog as a place to write fictional stories or any stories for that matter, but every time I think to enter into this blog world that is not just tumblr, I don’t seem to have a creative bone left in me. I guess this blog is more of a diary on when I write and how I write and the research I do for stuff. It is also a place for me to put small things I have written just so they have a home.

I guess it is just a mess.

But I digress…

I desperately need a new project, or to pick up where I left off on Forgive Me City. I feel like I’ve changed too much to complete it. I need to write. At least it sure seems like it. I do not think the same way as everyone else. I absorb things differently. I feel like I can imagine people who need a person like me to write things down. I feel like I’ve been looking for someone to see things the way I do. I can’t imagine that there aren’t people out there like me. The thing is, people like me never finish things. People like me become someone else in the process of trying. I think this because it feels as if I am. And I don’t know if that’s the procrastination, now five years strong, or if it’s the truth.

That’s the real dilemma.

I think I may try and crash an English class this semester.

Another Update After Another Gap!


Lots of boring things have happened and here I am still up at 1am alone on the internet. I am happy to say I have avoided refriending my friends from January. I am all alone and much better off, perhaps with the exception of excessive nights spent on netflix. The sum is better than the parts… or whatever people say. I am still just as confused and crazy as always. I get to start college for the third time! I have transfer orientation on monday and THAT WILL BE A GREAT SUCCESS OF COURSE. I will get amazing classes and not fall asleep and maybe not sweat in the Sacramento heat.

Is sarcastic positive thinking a way in which to at least encourage future positive thinking if not a form of positive thinking itself?

I can only hope.




I really haven’t got a thing to say

But I try and put something here whenever I think of this blog. OH I KNOW!

I got accepted to CSULB.

Which is insane. I barely stood a chance at getting in, yet here I am thinking of how impossible it will be.


I am trying so hard, hopefully something pays off. Sending myself good vibes for the future!

Early Spring Cleaning

I wish I didn’t feel like this.

I’ve just cutoff essentially all of my friends. For good. And I kind of feel like explaining why here so I don’t end up talking to them.

They wouldn’t benefit from me talking to them. I really know they wouldn’t.

It’s hard keeping friends from high school to your early 20’s.

I had to this. It wasn’t really their fault. I feel, without sounding too much like a big asshole, like I’ve changed too much to stay friends with them.

After all these years, the things they always did irritate me to no end. Their bitchy comments. The fact that none of them seem to know what my major is half the time or what school I’m even in. It’s just a big combination of things. And giving them any explanation will just sound like an excuse to them and they’ll think I’ve always secretly hated them. Maybe I should break it down:

1. Terrible tippers and have stiffed waitresses. The first time this happened I was very angry. I had every intention after the entire evening was over to never speak to them again.

This was a post I made on my tumblr about my friends 3 years ago. YEP. Three years.


My friends are going to try and come over to my house tomorrow to “check on me”

Just because I don’t want to be friends with you guys doesn’t automatically mean I must be suicidal or something.

I’ve outgrown them. I’ve been trying so hard to like them, to stil want to talk to them.

I have flaws, but their’s (is that “their”correct???) I just can’t handle anymore.

1. They always run late- One of them was 2 hours late on my Birthday.

2. We cannot all hangout without someone having some sort of fight.

3. If any of them want to do anything and I don’t agree to come, then 80% of the time they cancel plans on each other.

4. They all talk shit about each other- some of them have known each other since the 3rd grade, I always thought they were close to each other. Later I learned I was so wrong.

5. They don’t understand how to correctly tip waitresses

6. Whenever they come over they make a mess.

7. I’ve helped a few of them with school work back in highschool and even then they didn’t listen to me

8. They all have horrible relationships with their parents and they all LOVE my mother. (She is very awesome) But the fact that they have such a bad relationship with them gives a good hint into what kind of people they are.

9. They lie to each other. They always want me to get in the middle in order to ask so and so whether or not they said this or that.

That being said, they are all nice people. They aren’t bitches. Most of the time they don’t judge people.

Most of all they were there for me in highschool where I probably would have been friendless without them

But I shouldn’t be friends with them just so I am not alone, or just out of a feeling of owing them.

That’s not friendship.

I’m starting to wonder if they know what friendship is.

Finally, I’ve tried to tell them most of these things that irritate me, and for years these things didn’t bother me, but now,

I just feel like I’m putting more effort into it then they are.

After they threatened to come to my house after the “tipping incident” I just gave up and emailed them:

Y’all calm down.
I’m fucking retarted.
That’s all ya need to know.
Friend me back on facebook and tell Stephanie to, too.
Lastly, sorry.
It’s my own fault for changing. On one hand, I was used to every stupid thing they did, but on the other I felt like I deserved better and that they were capable of being so much better. I was waiting for them to change and I wish they could understand how unfair that is to both “sides”.
Like I keep writing, it’s nothing in particular they have done.
I have to mention I wouldn’t be avoiding all of them if they all weren’t one group of friends. One of them, well two, haven’t irritated me in the slightest. But I am not making them deal with my bullshit times two. They can’t be friends with both me and them *grammar, you can fuck off*.
They’d be put in the middle. They’d have extra stress, much more than just losing me as a friend. I would have happily attempted explaining this to all of them if my last leave didn’t backfire so bad. It was after that ridiculous night out, years ago, where I was evidently pissed off, so why the fuck did they need more explanation? AGH.
Maybe it wasn’t as evident as I thought. I didn’t want to be mad at them. I couldn’t decide adequately what I wanted to do. Ya know? I’m naming names. No one will see this. And idgaf.
Eunice: I don’t want to ever ever ever ever, be friends with you. Just fuck off. You are too selfish. I am scared for you because I don’t know if you’ll ever get over your oh so obvious insecurities that cause you to act like you’re the greatest person to exist and a gift to the world. I don’t know who fucked you over so bad to be jealous of everyone and everything all the while not caring even the slightest of anyone else. I wanted to believe there was good in you. But you are drowning in your own self-pity. Best of luck but stay away from me. I can’t lift someone up who is bringing me down. I am more important to me than you.
Stephanie: Stop comparing yourself to everyone. Whoever taught you to do that or whoever made you think that was okay needs to be brutally murdered. Even if it’s only a part of yourself. I can’t say much else accept a half-hearted “sorry”. I just can’t rationalize the things you do. It’s not my job to judge, but I never thought I’d let any friend of mine struggle so much and have no way of helping them. I can’t handle it. You’re better than that. You know what’s right and what’s wrong and I know you pick the wrong thing on purpose more often than not. Honestly, I just got tired of your back-handed bitchiness. You remind me of my dad. It didn’t always bother me, so for that change in myself, I am sorry. But I am happy to have changed.
Cindy: You’re too judgmental. This is coming from me, as I write an essay judging all of you. And I’m still saying that. You’re better than that too. You know it. I even kind of think you’re trying to improve. Good luck.
Diana: I can’t get in your head. You’re too emotional for me to keep you in my life while you are still in theirs. It’s stress you don’t need. I don’t even want to put that you can do anything… you won’t ever believe me. That’s all I can figure. I don’t know you well enough at all. Try harder. At everything. I don’t care if you have a few mental break downs, most people do. Perhaps you are overdue for one and need to refresh.
Ali: You’ve got issues too. But I have no issue with you. I don’t want you in the middle of this. We haven’t been very close these past few years, so I guess that’s better. Have blind mother fucking faith in yourself, ok?

One More Restart (Hopefully)

I must keep coming back here for some reason, even if I have to struggle each time to remember my password. I want to stay in bed and take more and more naps.

I’m finally getting this story put together that I’ve been developing for forever, however I got sick and just starting to feel better. But regardless, I want to write everyday if I can help it. As I am currently looking for a job and still on vacation from school, I should have time. (Pfft, yeah right).

I’ve been slowly getting out of my own head… which is great.

Except for when I am trying to write and stay inside my own head.

Such is my brain.

This blog can’t be organized. It’s attempting to mimic the clear parts of my brain. Why the heck would that be organized?

I don’t like the way heck sounds. Icky. How am I ever going to write stream of consciousness? It seems darn-right nutty!

Well now it sounds quite fitting…


Also, I’ve decided to find art/photos that mimic my 3 main characters as to help me develop who they are:


This one represents Shane… because…


it’s not quite what it seems.!

This one represents Sally because…


she’s a writer and it represents the struggle she has sometimes with expressing everything around here. This picture represents her more at the end of the story, since at the start she is very bored by the world and has no trouble expressing that. Whereas this picture shows being inspired but lacking the ideas to express it. (Not put too eloquently, I know)

The next one, I just found minutes ago:


While the picture is something that came up in my tumblr dashboard, it was too perfect for Sarah. The fact that it’s one of those sewey-things gives it a grandmotherly/motherly quality. It’s pretty, it requires a lot of patience and attention to detail. Also the picture itself is romantic.