People See This Blog?

Apparently, people see this blog? People stumble here somehow???????

This blog is my mental escape. The place I got after a mental breakdown or a traumatic period has concluded. It’s where i go to get my bearings, if you will. It’s where i go when I’m buzzed from kratom that will soon be illegal.

Since this is AprilOutLoud… I’d like to shout something today:

 

I KEEP WANTING TO BE A FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BUT MAYBE FUCKING FUNCTIONAL IN OUR WORLD RIGHT NOW IS NOT A GOOD THING. MAYBE I DONT NEED TO CHANGE MAYBE THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE.

I’m not going to ever work in a cubicle or something so soul sucking. i don’t care if that makes me sound like im 12. or 15. or 20. IM NOT

Current goal in life is to be some sorta rock/alt version of Zedd. cause i can’t sing. i cant play instruments cause of the RA. so PLAN ZEDD.

im  fucking hilarious.

 

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100 Dollars a Day Project Day #1

Why 100 dollars?

Goals: Have 7,000 by mid-December (Three months or so of expenses plus starting cash)

I am moving to LA come January after graduation. Woot!

CURRENT DEBT: 4,129 + 7000 = 11,129

Current Employment: Unemployed

Day One:

Today I turned my coins into Coinstar, obviously, this is not me gaining 100 dollars but it is money I did not account for until this project. Most days this project aims to EARN money and not just “find” it.

So how much cash did I earn get from Coinstar?

$114.26 !!!!!!!

 

IMG_2686

My e-gift card

 

Now the interesting thing about this is, I chose to get an Amazon.com gift card. This saves me $12 in fees. So now I will order three Taco Bell gift cards and one Burger King gift card for when I buy fast food for my dad. He gives me cash, I use my card and VIOLA. Done!

Got any suggestions on  how to make $100 in a day? Please let me know 

FOLLOW MY PROJECT:

Twitter: @apeycatty

WordPresshttps://apriloutloud.wordpress.com/

Please Note:

This project aims to be applicable to everyone, however, since I really just need to do this myself, certain small amounts of money will come from weird sources like change my family gives me for doing errands, turning in my change like the first day, and other possibilities. Good luck!

Up and Down

I guess I’m finally starting to make decisions in life.

I’m not entirely sure what I mean by that but it feels like that’s what I’m at least trying to do.

I just hope I make it to the other side of whatever this is.

Intention

I’m still on a seemingly-endless journey to fix my life. I’m so concerned about any decision that I make that I’m basically doing nothing. But I realized yesterday I was only doing nothing because I’ve convinced myself everything I do turns out wrong. That I basically fail at everything I actually want. So in my head, not trying (which really is the only way to fail) is the only way I can avoid not just failing, but doing something wrong. Something that causes problems and a dramatic tornado of consequences. It’s just that I haven’t spent a single week of my life feeling as if my life choices were good, right, or even making me happy. Or at least I can’t recall ever feeling that way. I’m sure I could have at one point and just can’t remember. But even if that’s true, I still haven’t felt that way in forever. The last two years I’ve been telling anyone who will listen that I felt like Donnie Darko. Like I wasn’t supposed to be where I was. But maybe that has more to do with me never feeling like I belong anywhere. I only recently realized feeling constantly “out of place” is abnormal. I talked at length to two of my sisters about it. Music is the only thing/abstract place that I don’t care if I feel out of place. I’m not sure how much sense that really makes but it’s how I feel. Music is the only thing that I like about myself. I’m not too sure what my brain means by that… but it’s there. I guess nothing I ever did with it felt wrong even when my life felt wrong as a whole. It’s just- the only reason I’m even here.

I Want to Help People

To make a long story very, very short, my sister and I went to the E.R yesterday for her nearly daily vomiting (at her doctor’s suggestion). Simply put, they didn’t get anywhere. We still have no idea why she keeps vomiting and bloating (there’s a lot of poop in her that won’t come out though she still poops some, just not enough).

But the whole 7 to 8 hour experience made me wonder why, exactly, I never thought to become a doctor/nurse/healthcare person.

I want to help people. I could see parts of my personality in the RN’s. But I couldn’t really see myself there. But sometimes, by really wanting to help someone, I can do more than I normally can. I’ll happily order food for someone who’s too anxious. But there are many, many times where I am too anxious to even leave the house. But somehow, other people’s needs are enough for me to be okay. If that makes any sense… It’s just how I am? Maybe I turn into robot-mode when I feel like someone needs me. I mean, I am good in a crisis, or at least the few situations that are as close to a crisis as I can imagine (being LOST in San Francisco but figuring out how to get to the freeway in about 15 minutes just based on guess and check).

I mean, even if I wanted to somehow become some sort of healthcare professional, I’m too lacking in my own physical health to even consider it.

But it was nice, to once again after a while, realize  how much I do want to help people. Even if all the damn people of the world make me shake my fist at times!

I know I want to help people but I just want to help them at/with something I don’t suck at or can greatly endanger them with.

So not a doctor. Obviously. It’s just frustrating because I want to help people. People who need help can bring a lot of stress. I’m not sure how much stress from others I can actually handle. I don’t want to rule full aspects of life out just because I’ve “thought away” any and all possibilities. But, like I said, I don’t exactly want to murder someone on an operating table either.

Ugh.

I want to help people. Damn it.

Be Ready For Your Dream

So lately I have been going through a ton of changes and I’ve been losing sleep over the uncertainty that I have about my goals. Sure, I want to get employed and independent for once in my life but all those things are just dreams until I figure out how to get there.

Like I’ve said before, I keep trying. I’m exercising daily. I’m trying to vary the foods I eat. I’m fixing damaged friendships, I’m taking better physical care for myself. I’m slowly getting my sleep patterned back to the normal land-of-the-living hours.

But I don’t want to lose sight of my main goals. That’s the struggle as I try to fix my life before anyone realizes it was ever broken.

If you had a million dollars…

Would you be ready for your dream?

I’m Just Going to Keep Trying

I’m not sure exactly what has been messing up my thought patterns lately but it has been frustrating.

I’ve stress-cleaned so many times I’m almost out of things to clean.

I’ve hardly got any savings left to stress shop.

I’ve eaten my weight in almond ice cream.

I’ve “marathoned” two Netflix shows and I’m almost done with the second one.

I’ve made a point of stretching twice a day.

And yet I’m still forgetting the simplest things.

And I’m still sleeping in more than I intend to.

I’m just going to keep trying.

This House is Falling Apart

I am not feeling too insightful today. It’s 3am and I only had a few things I really thought I wanted to accomplish but here I am still procrastinating.

I’m doing everything I can get  myself to do and all I can think of is how badly I want some kind of scapegoat.

I can’t explain my current state of mind any better than that.

What is tomorrow going to be?

I Want To Be Terrified

Five years ago, I had just graduated from high school. I would spend that summer becoming invisible to my friends who were mostly going to community college while I was headed to San Diego State.

Five years ago, in my A.P English class my teacher shared this Commencement Address with all of his classes.

He explained, if I recall correctly, that a former student had sent it to him. He liked it and had shared it with all of his students at the end of the year. It was originally attributed to author, Kurt Vonnegut, until I recently looked up its origins a few weeks back when I felt myself wanting to quote it.

image1Do one thing every day that scares you.” –Mary Schmich

The paper now has the correct author scribbled on it with permanent marker and it is hanging on the wall near my bedroom window.

It reminds me that anyone can say something wise and the only way anyone feels like anything ever said is wise is when the listener needs to hear it. Who says it is completely insignificant because the words we need to hear most often don’t come from some professor or critically acclaimed writer, they come from someone who has the experience. Wise words come from emotions and not from numbers of books sold, or people with Ph.D’s, or people with billions of dollars. They come from hurt.

I want to be terrified.