Up and Down

I guess I’m finally starting to make decisions in life.

I’m not entirely sure what I mean by that but it feels like that’s what I’m at least trying to do.

I just hope I make it to the other side of whatever this is.

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Be Ready For Your Dream

So lately I have been going through a ton of changes and I’ve been losing sleep over the uncertainty that I have about my goals. Sure, I want to get employed and independent for once in my life but all those things are just dreams until I figure out how to get there.

Like I’ve said before, I keep trying. I’m exercising daily. I’m trying to vary the foods I eat. I’m fixing damaged friendships, I’m taking better physical care for myself. I’m slowly getting my sleep patterned back to the normal land-of-the-living hours.

But I don’t want to lose sight of my main goals. That’s the struggle as I try to fix my life before anyone realizes it was ever broken.

If you had a million dollars…

Would you be ready for your dream?

Early Spring Cleaning

I wish I didn’t feel like this.

I’ve just cutoff essentially all of my friends. For good. And I kind of feel like explaining why here so I don’t end up talking to them.

They wouldn’t benefit from me talking to them. I really know they wouldn’t.

It’s hard keeping friends from high school to your early 20’s.

I had to this. It wasn’t really their fault. I feel, without sounding too much like a big asshole, like I’ve changed too much to stay friends with them.

After all these years, the things they always did irritate me to no end. Their bitchy comments. The fact that none of them seem to know what my major is half the time or what school I’m even in. It’s just a big combination of things. And giving them any explanation will just sound like an excuse to them and they’ll think I’ve always secretly hated them. Maybe I should break it down:

1. Terrible tippers and have stiffed waitresses. The first time this happened I was very angry. I had every intention after the entire evening was over to never speak to them again.

This was a post I made on my tumblr about my friends 3 years ago. YEP. Three years.

Great.

My friends are going to try and come over to my house tomorrow to “check on me”

Just because I don’t want to be friends with you guys doesn’t automatically mean I must be suicidal or something.

I’ve outgrown them. I’ve been trying so hard to like them, to stil want to talk to them.

I have flaws, but their’s (is that “their”correct???) I just can’t handle anymore.

1. They always run late- One of them was 2 hours late on my Birthday.

2. We cannot all hangout without someone having some sort of fight.

3. If any of them want to do anything and I don’t agree to come, then 80% of the time they cancel plans on each other.

4. They all talk shit about each other- some of them have known each other since the 3rd grade, I always thought they were close to each other. Later I learned I was so wrong.

5. They don’t understand how to correctly tip waitresses

6. Whenever they come over they make a mess.

7. I’ve helped a few of them with school work back in highschool and even then they didn’t listen to me

8. They all have horrible relationships with their parents and they all LOVE my mother. (She is very awesome) But the fact that they have such a bad relationship with them gives a good hint into what kind of people they are.

9. They lie to each other. They always want me to get in the middle in order to ask so and so whether or not they said this or that.

That being said, they are all nice people. They aren’t bitches. Most of the time they don’t judge people.

Most of all they were there for me in highschool where I probably would have been friendless without them

But I shouldn’t be friends with them just so I am not alone, or just out of a feeling of owing them.

That’s not friendship.

I’m starting to wonder if they know what friendship is.

Finally, I’ve tried to tell them most of these things that irritate me, and for years these things didn’t bother me, but now,

I just feel like I’m putting more effort into it then they are.

After they threatened to come to my house after the “tipping incident” I just gave up and emailed them:

Y’all calm down.
I’m fucking retarted.
That’s all ya need to know.
YEP.
Friend me back on facebook and tell Stephanie to, too.
Lastly, sorry.
-April
It’s my own fault for changing. On one hand, I was used to every stupid thing they did, but on the other I felt like I deserved better and that they were capable of being so much better. I was waiting for them to change and I wish they could understand how unfair that is to both “sides”.
Like I keep writing, it’s nothing in particular they have done.
I have to mention I wouldn’t be avoiding all of them if they all weren’t one group of friends. One of them, well two, haven’t irritated me in the slightest. But I am not making them deal with my bullshit times two. They can’t be friends with both me and them *grammar, you can fuck off*.
They’d be put in the middle. They’d have extra stress, much more than just losing me as a friend. I would have happily attempted explaining this to all of them if my last leave didn’t backfire so bad. It was after that ridiculous night out, years ago, where I was evidently pissed off, so why the fuck did they need more explanation? AGH.
Maybe it wasn’t as evident as I thought. I didn’t want to be mad at them. I couldn’t decide adequately what I wanted to do. Ya know? I’m naming names. No one will see this. And idgaf.
Eunice: I don’t want to ever ever ever ever, be friends with you. Just fuck off. You are too selfish. I am scared for you because I don’t know if you’ll ever get over your oh so obvious insecurities that cause you to act like you’re the greatest person to exist and a gift to the world. I don’t know who fucked you over so bad to be jealous of everyone and everything all the while not caring even the slightest of anyone else. I wanted to believe there was good in you. But you are drowning in your own self-pity. Best of luck but stay away from me. I can’t lift someone up who is bringing me down. I am more important to me than you.
Stephanie: Stop comparing yourself to everyone. Whoever taught you to do that or whoever made you think that was okay needs to be brutally murdered. Even if it’s only a part of yourself. I can’t say much else accept a half-hearted “sorry”. I just can’t rationalize the things you do. It’s not my job to judge, but I never thought I’d let any friend of mine struggle so much and have no way of helping them. I can’t handle it. You’re better than that. You know what’s right and what’s wrong and I know you pick the wrong thing on purpose more often than not. Honestly, I just got tired of your back-handed bitchiness. You remind me of my dad. It didn’t always bother me, so for that change in myself, I am sorry. But I am happy to have changed.
Cindy: You’re too judgmental. This is coming from me, as I write an essay judging all of you. And I’m still saying that. You’re better than that too. You know it. I even kind of think you’re trying to improve. Good luck.
Diana: I can’t get in your head. You’re too emotional for me to keep you in my life while you are still in theirs. It’s stress you don’t need. I don’t even want to put that you can do anything… you won’t ever believe me. That’s all I can figure. I don’t know you well enough at all. Try harder. At everything. I don’t care if you have a few mental break downs, most people do. Perhaps you are overdue for one and need to refresh.
Ali: You’ve got issues too. But I have no issue with you. I don’t want you in the middle of this. We haven’t been very close these past few years, so I guess that’s better. Have blind mother fucking faith in yourself, ok?